Season’s greetings to you! Welcome back to the blog and thank you for dropping in after so long. I have news of both kinds. I’d like to give as much clarity as I have on matters of health, and I’ll open the doors so you can see what’s happening on the factory floor.
In the previous post, I expressed the optimistic outlook of my neurologist that I could be back to normal within a year. It turns out that this wasn’t based on any actual science other than optimism. The prescribed meds gave a little temporary relief from insomnia and either triggered or coincided with a slight remission, but what followed was worse than anything I’d experienced up until then. ME/CFS/SEID can affect people so mildly that it’s little more than a feeling of being slightly wrung out, or so severely that they are completely disabled, unable to care for themselves. After posting the last blog article, I began to slide and spent 8 months bedbound before the storm passed.
Most people with this illness experience the light to moderate end of the scale (as I did for the first few years), so there’s sometimes a bit of confusion or incredulity when they hear how bad it can get. But I suppose that’s the case with many chronic illnesses. Even things like eczema or headaches can become so bad that a normal life is no longer possible. In my need to research, I’ve found that the number of those struggling with chronic illness is far higher than I had thought. Perhaps the ignorance was due to the fact that one doesn’t often meet the chronically ill at social functions. They’re at home or at a medical facility, watching people and seasons pass by on the other side of the glass. I used to find it difficult to relate. Now I think of these – young and old – as my people, as much as is possible without being able to see faces or learn names. If you’re a part of this group, know that you are often in my thoughts.
Over the latter part of this year, my condition has improved, but I’m still pretty sick. Currently, the pain and weakness keep me mostly housebound and sometimes bedbound. I have one or two slightly better days in a month when I can leave the apartment for a brief escape to see friends or just get some air. I seldom have the strength to sit at a desk, but I found that if I use a laptop stand and a remote keyboard, I can set up the sleeper couch like a zero-gravity workstation. I highly recommend it to anyone in similar circumstances. Conserving every drop of energy is the name of the game. It’s like sealing all the leaks in a network of pipes, sending water only where it’s absolutely needed, and watching the output trickle slowly increase.
The improvement in health has been just enough to restore clarity of mind – when not in pressured environments. With clarity has come the capacity to write again, within limits. Other than what I managed to put together for the previous blog post, it’s the first time I’ve been able to produce content in a little over 2 ½ years. For me, that’s reason for a few firecrackers. My current mental condition is like a layer of thin ice on a lake – clear, but also fragile. Too much weight and it crashes in. I keep a sharp ear open for the tell-tale clinks that warn against taking on too much.
Light writing, then, is within reach, as long as I avoid overload. The mental lockup that follows overdoing it isn’t like what is often described as brain fog. Instead, it’s as if glue has been poured into an engine. Thoughts become so slow and jammed up that even basic things like texting can be impossible, sometimes for months. Avoiding these crashes means staying under the exertion limit. ME is not a beast you can fight. It’s more like quicksand, and things get rapidly worse if you struggle against it.
It took a few rounds of careful experiments to determine my new exertion threshold. It wasn’t as high as I was hoping. As I tried to get to work again on Book 2 of The Wakening, I was faced with the reality of scale.
The manuscript is around four times the length of a standard novel (not uncommon in epic fantasy), has multiple threads, a huge cast, and weighty themes that were difficult to work with even when I was healthy. Images of large aircraft under construction have often come to mind when I think of the book. Prior to illness, this was the kind of project I thrived on. Now, just trying to familiarise myself with the overall scheme pushes me over my limit and I can feel that dreaded mental lock-up taking hold.
Since I became ill six years ago, I have been able to work on individual sections when health permitted, but the final stage requires me to load the whole story into my mind and bring it all together. This is significantly more demanding, and it’s not something that can be broken into chunks. Unfortunately, whenever I try to get into it, I breach my exertion threshold before I can make any meaningful progress.
I think if I were a reader, I’d be pretty frustrated. I am sorry for that. If it were possible to hand it over to someone else to finish, I would consider it, but there are numerous reasons why that wouldn’t work here. If recovery eludes me, some form of collaboration might be needed, but that’s not a quick or simple process, and I don’t think it will come to that. I’ll explain further on. While I have some ideas on how I could progress with the fantasy series, the more urgent problem I need to deal with is the matter of keeping food on the table. Most of my employable skills demand a level of physical activity or interpersonal engagement that is so far beyond my capacity I wouldn’t make it through ten minutes. Music is almost within reach, but not quite. Writing, it turns out, is the only realistic option.
As I was looking at bookshelves, I began to notice an irony. As a chronically sick author, I’ve been struggling with this huge tome of a manuscript, while healthy authors, usually in other genres, sprint past, bearing new novels to market that are a fraction of the size. I found myself wishing I had a novel like theirs, one that might fall within my current capacity. I considered my thesis novel, but I hit roadblocks there. What I needed was something of standard length, light in style, and free of insurmountable obstacles. And then I realised, I actually had such a manuscript.
It’s time to push open the big steel doors to a section of the story factory that’s hardly ever been used or seen.
Several years ago, soon after releasing Dawn of Wonder, I found myself needing a break from fantasy, so I took about six weeks to write something that was welling up in my thoughts. It would fall into the science fiction category, but only in the sense that it’s an adventure set in the future, not because it’s full of aliens, space battles, and technical explanations of celestial mechanics (all of which I rather enjoy as a reader, but don’t really want to write about). In this regard, it’s quite similar to Dawn of Wonder which contains little in the way of standard fantasy elements – no magic system, elves or spells, among others. It means that the jump in reading experience from Dawn of Wonder to the new novel will be a lot less than the change in genre suggests.
What usually draws me along when I’m writing is a longing to explore a strange and often daunting world, sharing adventures with characters that intrigue me and whose company I enjoy. That’s what’s at the heart of this story. Within science fiction, the books that draw me in are the ones where interesting tech is found in a setting of natural wonders, rather than in a setting where nature has been replaced by all things artificial. Though the new book is set in the future, it’s not set in plastic.
So, why science fiction? You may know that my first completed line of study was physics (which actually came after two years of engineering). What you wouldn’t know is that I’ve had a deep love of science and the stories built around it since childhood. I was about five when I started dismantling broken appliances to fix, or better yet, to strip them for parts and build my own gadgets. And my first foray into writing, also around that time, was about a futuristic aircraft. The technology was fascinating, but even more so when it extended the boundaries of imagination.
I think I was first bitten by the science bug in early childhood when I managed to work my fingers into a plug socket. It was an introduction that filled me with both electrons and awe, and while the excess electrons marched out through the grounded finger, the awe remained. A few years later, my childhood sandpit became one of the places where my love of worldbuilding took root, and most of the time it wasn’t warriors on horseback that lurked in hidden caves – it was spaceships. My heroes flew around with jetpacks to dock on Lego aircraft, all custom designs with numerous and perhaps improbable capabilities.
It wasn’t a matter of preference that my first book was fantasy, but rather a matter of timing. If I were to guess, I’d say the fantasy route was the result of leaving my country home for the big city, which brought about a deep yearning for the traditional ways of country life. Lately, in idle moments, my imagination has been tugging me on much longer journeys. I suspect being cooped up for years in my apartment has recalled a longing to explore more distant places.
So back to the recently opened floor of the story factory. It’s typical for any author’s workshop to contain scraps of ideas and partial manuscripts ranging from the promising to the embarrassing, but a complete first draft is rare gold. It is so much easier to finish a story that already has its basic form than to start with blank pages and a sort of vague idea that you want to fill them with something terrific. Rewriting a first draft is like following behind an icebreaker.
As I considered the science fiction manuscript from a range of angles, I saw that it was most likely within my current capacity. It’s about standard novel length, has a smaller cast, is an easy-reading adventure, and is set in a story space my mind has been drawn to of late. I actually don’t think I could imagine a more perfectly suited project for the current need.
Everything then came to a point of decision. I was faced by a massive and complex boulder of a manuscript I haven’t been able to budge while sick, and a much lighter one that I can. It wasn’t a choice between two projects; it was a choice whether to do the only project within my current capacity.
In spite of how clear it seems, discussions around these kinds of changes don’t always go as expected.
“I don’t have the range to get to B, so I’ll need to go to A.”
“Yes, but if you don’t get to B, you could lose everything.”
“The problem isn’t motivation, it’s illness. I really REALLY want to get to B, but I can’t reach it. A is the only destination on my list I can reach.”
“But there’s more invested in B. It’s what people are expecting. You should rather go there.”
“I think you missed the parts where I said I can’t reach it.”
“There’s no such thing as can’t – only won’t.”
“Alright, my illness won’t let me reach it.”
“Listen, last year I hurt my shoulder and the specialist said I wouldn’t be able to play tennis again for nine months. I was back on the court after six. All it took was willpower. Sheer willpower. Trust me, you can do anything you set your mind to.”
“That’s … really not the same thing.”
“It’s the same principle. Exactly the same. Stop making excuses. Instead, just make it happen!”
Living with chronic illness is about adaptation. That “no such thing as can’t” approach works against walls of plaster, but not all walls are made of plaster. Charging forward and ramming your head into a wall of rock makes no difference to the rock and quite a lot of difference to the head. I speak from experience – and a headache.
Following a week of internal debates and deliberations, I decided to give the lighter manuscript a go and see how I held up. Progress was better than expected and the strain less than expected. After almost two months of work, it is looking both feasible and promising.
Perhaps the question that most naturally follows all of this is, “When will work resume on The Wakening?” My expectation is that once this shorter book is out and covering my living costs, I’ll be able to return to the fantasy series. It’s not just optimism, it’s observation. I’ve found that working on a lighter project is having an effect on me not unlike rehabilitation exercises. Being able to keep going for more than two weeks without a meltdown is giving me an opportunity to tweak the engine and process. I’ve already made dozens of adjustments, from work position to diet. It’s been a two-percent improvement here, one percent there, three percent there … but it’s all been adding up. In addition to buying the time I’ll need to wrap up Book 2 of The Wakening, this project appears to be preparing me as well, gradually increasing my capacity.
The next logical question would likely be, “How long will the new novel take to complete?” It all depends on writing pace, which I’m still trying to determine as I improve it. On an average day, I manage a little over half my normal quota, but it’s not a consistent thing because my symptoms change from week to week. Though it will take me longer than when healthy, it definitely won’t be years in the making.
A friend suggested that I provide some early-look chapters of the new book. There aren’t any that are ready to be nudged out onto the stage yet, but what I can do is give you a more literal glimpse into the world I’m building. To spark creativity, I recently spent a day putting together one of the settings in the story. This is how it turned out. It’s a scene from about a third of the way in.
As you can see, it’s not a world of geometric hills and globular purple succulents dribbling toxic goo under a crimson sky. Regardless of genre, the kinds of worlds I like to build and explore combine the familiar and beautiful with the strange. If it’s all strange and weird, I struggle to feel a connection. Some of the “strange” in this scene is lurking down in that mist. As an aside to the science folk, if the size of that moon has you wondering about the Roche limit, think of it as a trick of photography – the one where you use a telephoto lens from a long way back to make objects in the extreme distance appear larger.
When health is shaky, it’s daunting to post about a project that’s still in the early stages. Far safer to do it all behind closed doors and only announce it when it’s finished. But I thought you would appreciate the transparency, and I would like to have you aboard from the start to share the journey. There is still some distance to cover, but even with the limited range of my ship, this standard-length novel is a destination I’m sure I can reach. It also seems that my capacity and productivity are slowly increasing. I strongly suspect that by the time I reach A, I’ll have the range to get to B.
Thank you so much to everyone who reached out through the comments. As usual, I kept the personal ones back as private mail, along with the medical advice, but please don’t think that means it’s less appreciated. Your support has been deeply meaningful through this time.
I’ll post again when I’m further along. Until then, here’s wishing you a wonderful Christmas with loved ones and a new year of real hope.
P.S.
There have been several suggestions that I use Patreon to help with the financial squeeze. At first, I was going to reply and say that the benefits schedule would be a problem. That avalanche of deadlines would be the worst thing for my illness. When the no-benefits tip-jar option was suggested, my knee-jerk reaction was to politely decline and explain how I felt uncomfortable taking anything for nothing, but it just felt wrong, kind of haughty. So while this isn’t the most comfortable experience, I won’t deny that support across this stretch to the next release would be a great help. If you’re interested, here’s the link.
Thanks for the update! My family and I are praying for your recovery. My wife has also struggled (and still has relapses) with chronic illness with adrenal fatigue syndrome, so we understand what you mean by it just isn’t willing yourself forward – that’s what got her into this chronic health situation in the first place, not listening to her body and not respecting its limitations. She ended up bed-ridden for about six months when we had six kids aged between 7-17.
I also appreciate your example and willingness to testify about how your adversity has brought you closer to God. Your choices about how to examine your assumptions and perspective, and humility and willingness to give God space to work within you during your trial is a key decision that my wife and I also had to find our way to seeing and accepting. It is so awesome to see someone else also experience such a change of heart through trials. The Savior’s grace is available to all, but we need to choose to follow Him and receive what He is offering.
Thank you Jonathan.
Hey man. Just checking in. I hope you are OK.
I hope you continue to improve. I don’t know what it is about it, but I adore your book. Every few months for about that last 5 years, it has popped in my mind and I’ve thought about it. It makes me come to your website and check in. I hope to one day see this story continue.
As a big fan of Dawn of Wonder, I check in from time to time to see how you’re doing. I appreciate that you keep fans up to date, but I don’t come expecting anything. You don’t owe anyone anything! The writing will come when you’re ready or it won’t, but you can’t let perceived eagerness of the fanbase interfere or impede the creative process. Take the pressure off yourself, take as long as you need. Step away and come back on your terms if necessary. Great works aren’t rushed. I hope you’re health improves and in time we get to read more stories from the great world’s you create!
Hello Jonathan, I’ve written before but I reread Dawn of Wonder and wanted to let you know how competely fantastic the book is. I was wondering about the timeframe of the second book and came across this on your page. I now understand why why we wait, and while most people probably don’t care much, I understand now the difficulty. To call it a difficulty doesn’t do what you are going through justice but thought you should hear it from a massive fan of your writing. I said before I think you are a storyteller of the highest caliber. I ranked you with Branden Sanderson which, in my humble opinion, is one of the greatest story tellers/world builders to date. I will await your new novel with bated breath and give you my best on your health. As I’m not a health professional or rich, I cannot probably help much other than a few bucks here and there on you link. Please accept my apologies for anything I’ve held in my head that was not kind to you prior to knowing your circumstance! I will hold nothing but positivity going forward.
Hey Jonathan,
Wanted to express my deep support for your struggles, and the mountains you’re having to scale in the process of putting together more of your works. I recently started writing myself- and when a dry spell hits, it is only pure stubbornness that allows be to break through it. I can only imagine that your situation is worse ten-fold, and I would not wish it on anyone, especially one of my favorite authors who I check up on every few months. Writing has become apart of my very personality, and a sickness that could effect it in such a way is a terrible thing to comprehend.
Please reflect that as long term reader of your book, I’m thankful for the first installment, and ever hopeful for the second; if only to help you accomplish something meaningful, not in spite of, but accompanied by your sickness.
I write this to let you know that I have prayed for you and will continue to do so. I have hope, whether the second book makes it out onto the page, you carry through your accomplishments in a way that fulfills you. And, don’t let this next remark carry a negative edge: I cant wait for next installment- I believe in the power of prayer, your resilience, and hope. Always believe in hope.
As cliche as it is, here is a quote that helps me in times without light: “it becomes difficult to advance in the dark. — But that progress is all the more reliable for being hard. And then, when you least expect it, the darkness vanishes, and the enthusiasm and light return. Persevere!”
Keep up the good fight,
Pat
As another year draws to a close, I find myself checking this website almost daily in hopes of an update from you about your health. (Hopefully you have been feeling better!) Also, I’m unbelievably excited for the science fiction book! Any news you have to share would be greatly appreciated.
Hey, I was just thinking: “How is one of my favorite Authors doing right now?”. And well, there isn’t a new Update here right now, but I hope you are doing good. A part of me hopes it in selfish way, because I love your book (read it a few times already). And the other and way bigger part of me just hopes you are doing well because it sucks not to.
So regards and prayers from a fan in Germany. Be blessed 🙂
Dear Jonathan
So much sympathy for what you are going through. I pray for you when I feel prompted and I long to read anything that you manage to write so I will keep an eye out for your sci-fi book. I am more of a sci-fi chick than epic fantasy one anyway.
I suffer with CFS and have since I was 22, I am now nearly 50 and trying to look at taking on more work and having many issues with my immune system. I was so ill over the winter and desperate to be able to do more work and feeling like a fraud and maybe if I just pushed harder… but I know from hard experience where that leads. To the crash where I will again lie down for many hours and wonder if this time I will die. If I will ever have the energy I need to do what I need to do.
I understood just what you meant about watching the years slide by. Feeling like you are a mere observer.
Yet I still see and hear hope and imagination in your posts. I love writing,I guess the greatest thing about it is, in your imagination, you can go anywhere and anything is possible. I am so glad that God gave us that open door so that people who suffer debilitating illness as we do can still travel to exotic places, see the light on a new world, traverse the unknown all the while staying right where we are. I love to boggle my own brain just lightly thinking about how all things are connected and so you and I right now are connected to things going on in the outer reaches of the universe that we haven’t even imagined. God is all places, at all times, so sometimes I ask Him to show me things and the wonder is intense. ‘Eye has not seen nor has ear heard…’
Keep your wonder. Bless you Jonathan
Chin up and keep looking for the light.
Wishing you health and an abundant life.
Jen Berry
New blood test helps people with ME/CFS get properly diagnosed. Hopefully so.e good progress. Thought of you. Hope you are doing better.
https://studyfinds.org/blood-test-achieves-accuracy-diagnosing-chronic-fatigue-syndrome/
Good evening.
your last image remined me of the mountain ranges of new Zealand on a foggy morning. I wish you the best in your recovery.
Yo… just wishing you a happy life, and some sense of normalcy on your journey through life with chronic illness. Love your writing. And I think your readers understand what youre going through.
So again, just wanted to share some support, and send good vibes your way.
Cheers
Glorious news! Like so often happens to me when I read blogs or follow others – it’s weird that you don’t know me and that we aren’t friends. I feel like I know you because I’ve read the words of your soul as you’ve written them.
Aedan is a character I relate to more than any character I’ve read. I’m a wilderness survivalist, an adventure coach, I never wear shoes, and I’m constantly pressuring the people I care about to do weird crap or go on adventures with me. What a wonderful discovery it was for me when I found Dawn of Wonder!
I look forward to more of your words in this new novel! If you ever want to consult about wilderness stuff or heck, if you ever need a friend – reach out! It’d be a wild adventure if you did! God bless and powerful recovery to you sir.
-Kimball
Jonathan,
I truly enjoyed your book, and I have been periodically checking your website for updates on book two and more recently your health. And while I hope to one day be able to enjoy your entire story, my primary hopes are for you to regain your health and be able to live a full and happy life.
Best wishes,
Isaac
Best wishes on your health. When I first discovered Dawn of Wonder on Amazon, I immediately told my nephew about it. For the last few years, whenever either of us call each other or tell each other, “guess what?!” The guess for both of us is, “Dawn of Wonder 2 is out!!!???” then we both go check your blog. Continue to heal… We will be here rooting for you!
I hope you recover quickly even if we don’t get a new book , but I will say that I check this site periodically hoping to see updates but prioritize your health over a book. I hope to see an update with good news
I’m stoked to read the new book!!
Hi Jonathan!
I’m glad to hear your health is improving (no matter the speed). I’m currently at my 3rd reread of Dawn of Wonder. It is so wonderful and Tim Gerard Reynolds does a phenomenal narration! I laugh, I cry, I recommend this story to anyone and everyone! My husband introduced me a few years ago. We are both desperately awaiting the next chapter in this series. You have many in your corner! We are also looking forward to this new world you are bringing us. Cheers!
Jonathan, I think it sounds great to get started on a lighter book. I would love to start reading the next book in the wakening series but the next best thing would be another book from you. I like how your mind works and years later my children and I still find ourselves remembering passages from DOW and laughing over them again. Hope your faith has only grown through all this, its hard sometimes to see the places the Lord takes us until we look back. . . and then we just smile, cry perhaps and thank him for it all.
Just finished a third or fourth read through of Dawn. This book is so great I truly hope you are able to succeed in your health and wellness goals so you can take us with you on the journey you have created. I echo many readers that this is my favorite book each time I read through. I read maybe 20-30 books a year and except for wheel of time, I don’t recall any publication I continue to come back to like this.
Hope all is well for you and thanks for the amazing book.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with ME and while it’s not exactly curable I do often pray for your continued improvement. Every few months I swing by the blog for updates and am happy to see that you are making progress even if it’s on a different story. I will be preordering a copy when available! Although I can’t support you through donations, curse this economy, I will continue to send positive thoughts! You are a wonderful writer and a humble soul, keep up the wonderful work and continue to prioritize your health, we can wait!
Hey! I readDawn of Wonder because a friend recommended it to me several years ago and it’s remained my favorite book to this day. Currently rereading it to my youngest sibling! I just wanted to say that you’re still in my prayers! God bless!
Keep on keeping on. That is all any of us can do. I follow Dianna Cowern, also known as Physics girl and also have a personal friend who struggles with a lighter version of ME. It truly amazes me how much this illness takes from its hosts. I’m excited that you are gradually getting better. I’m excited you found something you can work on. I am very patient when it comes to waiting for the next book on a series I like to be released. I hope you improve quicker than you hope. I look forward to the new book.
You know… I’m not sure I’ve ever spoken to anyone about the effect dawn of wonder has had on me. I hope this little excerpt from ‘my’ story gives you ~ something.
Some time ago I stumbled across dawn of wonder in the audible store and it kept me company for some time. I tend to not jump around from saga to saga – or from this series to that, so the story was with me pretty steadily over some weeks. During that period of time I found something welling up inside myself. An emotion I had not really ever allowed myself to feel. Sometimes during narration, I would have to stop and just sit and feel the words as the came across to me. It was strange, the way your words tended to peel something away from my heart – as though a scab was slowly being drawn away from a deep wound. Pain, sorrow, anger, bitterness – but then a strange sense of hope and wonder as I was allowed to ‘feel’ this inexplicable thing for the first time. I would find myself needing to sit or lean against this thing or that as tears would begin to run down my face hearing the story of Aedan and all that he faced. In the end, this boy, finding something within himself that allowed him to move beyond all of the hurt and pain, beginning to find a sense of wonder in a life that may have otherwise turned out very differently.
It’s a strange thing you see… I didn’t know at the time, but I had a rather similar story to Aedan growing up. So much so that my mind had repressed the experiences of that time and somehow your story was able to help peel back the painful curtain that held me in such a strange inexplicable state of un-belonging. After I was able to feel those things again and remember, painful though the memories were, I was able to find a sense of peace, hope, and forgiveness I had never been able to feel up to that point in my life.
So, the title of your story has much more meaning to me than perhaps some – I think. I believe you helped me be able to find a new ‘dawn of wonder’ in my own story, and the wonder continues still. So thank you for your words Mr. Renshaw. I look forward to seeing what comes next.
-Joshua